The Math of Being Kept Small

The numbers don't lie and neither does the pattern

During last week’s New York Fashion Week, I watched a former friend throw a major event for a brand they’ve clearly found their home with, alongside a partner I once introduced them to, no strings attached. I was invited, not by them, but by the partner… I didn’t go. I paused and took it in.

Not because I am or was surprised by their success, but because it brought back something I hadn’t planned on revisiting anytime soon.

We spent so many years being each other’s cheerleaders. Or so I thought.

I wasn’t competing with them, I didn’t even know there was a race. But for a long time, they competed with me. And they made sure I stayed just dependent enough to need them.

Let me be clear: this was a one-sided competition.

We all have this person in our lives and sometimes you don’t see it until they are out of it.

If you’ve ever gone above and beyond for a friend in business and it didn’t feel like a two-way street, this one is for you.

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There’s a particular kind of support that feels like championing but functions like gatekeeping. It sounds like “I put your name in the room,” but it looks like $2,500 for your part of a six-figure project.

I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of help, we all have, and for me, it was someone I considered one of my closest friends. They would text me about the big corporate deals they were closing, the impressive clients they were landing, the budgets I could only dream about. We would go out and celebrate and then, “generously”, they’d bring me in.

“I thought of you for this,” they’d say. And I’d feel grateful, seen, remembered, even valued…

Until I saw the number, more like a penny for my thoughts.

The Math of Being Kept Small

Here’s how it worked: they’d land a client with a mid-to-high six-figure budget, real money. The kind of project that could change the trajectory of a small agency, fund a team, give an entrepreneur some breathing room, and more.

And they’d carve out $2,500 for me.

Not as an introduction to the client, where I could build my own relationship and my own contract. Not as a true partnership, where we split the work and revenue appropriately. But as a subcontractor getting crumbs from their table, with them as the gatekeeper between the client I was actually serving and me.

“I’m going to bat for you,” they’d say.

But here’s what I learned: putting someone’s name in a room and giving them only crumbs doesn’t help them grow. It keeps them small because when you treat someone that way, you teach them to believe that’s all they’re worth.

When “Support” Means “Stay Where You Are”

The pattern repeated itself over the years. Big client for them, small budget for me.

“I need you to come in and pinch-hit this; my team isn’t getting any coverage.”

Sometimes they wouldn’t pay me at all. We didn’t have a contract, my mistake. Or the work didn’t result in the outcome they wanted.

“But that’s PR,” they’d shrug. “You don’t always win.”

They were right about one thing: you don’t always win in PR.

But you still get paid for the work. That’s the difference between a favor and a professional engagement, and I let that line blur longer than I should have.

I never felt like they truly went to bat for me. I’m sure they would say they did; putting my name in the room at all was the bat, the favor, the support. And maybe in their mind, it was.

But real support doesn’t keep people small. Real support opens doors and then steps aside so the other person can walk through them. Real support says, “Here’s the client, here’s what they need, here’s a fair rate for the work.” Real support doesn’t make itself indispensable by controlling access.

What Championing Actually Looks Like

There was a time when they were my champion and cheerleader

I’ve been championed before. I know what it looks like. I’ve also been overlooked by people I thought had my back. Sometimes there is no integrity in business, and that sucks. That’s why you need to pick your partners wisely and advocate for yourself.

So what does being championed actually look like?

• It looks like an introduction directly to a decision-maker, not a handoff to do the work while someone else maintains the relationship and the budget.

• It looks like, “I can’t take this project, but you’d be perfect for it. Let me connect you.”

• It looks like pay that reflects the value of the work, not the convenience of having a “friend” you can lowball.

• It looks like contracts with clear terms and professional boundaries that protect both people.

• It looks like a celebration when the person you supported starts winning their own clients, building their own reputation, and outgrowing the crumbs you once offered.

The support I received from them stopped looking like any of these things.

When You Realize You’ve Been Kept

I see it clearly now. Every small budget was a message: This is what you’re worth to me. This is where I see you. This is where you should stay.

And the worst part? I believed it for a while. I was grateful for the scraps. I thought $2,500 was better than nothing. I thought being thought of at all meant something.

It did mean something. It meant they thought of me as small.

The friends who actually support you don’t keep you small. They don’t put a ceiling on your worth or a cap on your potential. They don’t make you grateful for crumbs when you deserve a seat at the table.

They pull you up, they make space for you, and they get out of the way.

If someone is always positioning themselves between you and opportunity, they’re not supporting you. They’re controlling access. And that’s not friendship. That’s gatekeeping with a smile.

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The Fine Print

Sometimes losing work feels like losing a friend. Sometimes losing a friend costs you work. And sometimes, if you’re honest, you realize the person you thought was helping you was quietly deciding the limits of what they believed you deserved.

Support that comes with strings isn’t support; it’s a position of control.

And if someone only wants to champion you as long as you stay smaller than them, that’s not loyalty. That’s fear dressed up as generosity.

Walking away from that kind of relationship can feel lonely at first. But clarity and growth usually do. You're allowed to outgrow people who only support you conditionally. In the long run, it creates room for something better: partners who open doors and step aside, friends who celebrate when you no longer need them, and work that finally matches your worth.

That’s the part no one tells you.
Outgrowing people isn’t betrayal.
Sometimes, it’s the work.

Now changing topics, a few things worth sharing from NYFW…

Claudia Schiffer and Nadja Auermann on the cover of Elle is one of the hundreds of 90s and early 2000s magazines in my collection

• Last week I attended the L’Agence FW 26 show at Cipriani’s for NYFW and it was *chef’s kiss. I ran into so many of my favorite people and already asked to borrow looks for Cannes.

• IYKYK I worked for Anna Sui in her showroom (I sat right outside her office) all through high school. I think she really informed and nurtured my love of fashion and personal style. Her FW26 collection felt like my dream closet.

• This was my very first Anna Sui show FW 95.

  

  YES, that is Linda on the back of a moped on the runway

• I have vivid memories of Anna pulling from her “genius files”, an amazing catalogue of vintage magazines for inspiration. Last week I went back into my storage room to visit my own “genius files”: a treasure trove of 90’s and early 2000s fashion from clothes to magazines to memorabilia. If anyone knows where I can sell some of them or donate them (maybe FIT?), please let me know. I cannot bear to throw any of it away.

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